Jstiemk777's Weblog

I know

jstiemk777 — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 00:29:12 +0000

I know what I’ve done,
I know what I’ve said,
I know the curses, the shouts of anger in my head,
I know the act, the effects to most unseen,
Barely done out of temptation,
Moreso out of boredom and rebellion,
So where do we go from here? So far it’s seemed like an incredibly silent year. I’ve missed Your voice, but at the same time I’m sure I turned a deaf ear. And now I struggle to remember what it was that brought me here. This place I am today, that has turned my days oh so gray. Do we even have anything to wrestle over anymore? Oh yes, don’t we? Blatent rebellion, yet again, I said I’d go til You made me stop. I told You “You said You’re stronger, than be stronger.” Is that not too far? Can I yet turn around and pray and be heard? Can I turn around and pray and be answered? How far does Your grace go? Yes it covers over failures, but what of rebellion? That’s not a failure, that’s rebellion. Did You put this thought of Israel in my head? They were indeed unfaithful, and at times straight up rebellious. Far more than I, but they were a nation and I am only one. Are we one in the same? me and Israel? Are You really still patient with me just as You were with them? And what of this act? Why is it the way that I choose to rebel, and the times that I fail why are these the ways that I do so? And tell me this too, why am I so unwanting? I don’t want to dive deeper. Oh dear God You know with you I do, but it’s not with You that’s in question. Except that it is. You’re still so far off to me, even though You are Jehovah-Shammah, although that is the Lord is THERE. Not here. Then Jesus was Emmanuel, God with us, but now in Heaven. I feel like these are foolishness to merely be difficult. You know I don’t want to be a deist, but I’ve seen that’s the way I lean. My faith is nothing when it is merely stubborn pride and following regulations. And I am full of pride. So where do we go from here? Where will You lead me? This diving deeper relationships that I don’t want to form, what are You going to do? I don’t want to do it God, but at the same time I do. But at this point I don’t want to pour my heart out to ANYBODY that I’ve known, but You. Then I argue that after what I’ve said, after what I did, no longer can I pray to You. It’s not the same here Lord, You know my ache, You know it better than I do. I want it gone, but with those that I’ve known. I do so hate coming to know people, coming to love them, coming to genuinely care, only to be torn to shreds when we’re all moving on. I hate it, it sucks. It’s crap, and I hate it. It’s life, but I still hate it. So God, these are my questions. Can I still talk to You? Am I like Israel and not like Esau? Can we please be heart friends? I don’t want to dump out my heart to ANYONE but You. But again that’s necessary isn’t it? God, where do We go from here? Can I still pray to You and be heard? Will I ever hear you? God be more real to me. Though I want that passion, I don’t want my goal to be the feeling of passion for You, make my goal You God. I don’t know how to phrase that better. God be obviously near to me. I know I’m weak, but as long as I’m You’re child I like to have you right by me. I know what I’ve done, said, called. I know. Do I still have a place with You? Now what?

A hypocritical thought

jstiemk777 — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 21:48:09 +0000

So I was just sitting in the lounge with some other girls from Roush second, my floor here at Huntington and I made a connection. The realization is incredibly hypocritical as I think about where I’m at with my walk, but hey, a connection none the less. So I’m sitting on a chair out there talking to Laura, Ashley, Monica, and Annalee comes in and she likes to make contact. So she comes in and holds out her hand and I hold out mine, and she just kind of holds my hand, and for 3-5 minutes she’s just leaning on me. We’re holding hands, my arm is out to the side, my right side, (I’m saying only so you can have visual accuracy though it won’t be very accurate), bent so my hand, and Annalee’s hand are about shoulder height for me and my arm is bent at about a 57, oh yes, 57 degree, angle. Annalee’s just standing there talking and then all of a sudden she asks me, “Is this kind of a workout for you?” and I tell her “The longer you lean on me the harder it is,” and so she decides to lean harder on my hand, and my knuckles pop she gets scared and runs away saying “You’re broken you’re broken!!” Or something about my hands beng broken, and I said, ” Not broken, just more flexible!” Now despite where I am today in my walk I wanted to write this cause it made sense to me. It is hard to hold another person up when you are lower than they are. When a person is standing up and leaning on you and you are sitting down it’s harder to hold the person who’s leaning on you up. So relating this to Jesus, as part of the body of Christ, we’re supposed to hold each other up. Now it’s hard to hold fellow believers up when you’re falling, or sitting and not going anywhere, you know? The same way it is harder to physically pull someone up to where you are if you’re standing on a chair, it’s harder to push someone up beyond you, or even just holding them up if you’re not up too, if you’re not standing solidly, squarely, whether the person is a feather or…well….not a feather, it’s harder to hold them up if you’re not standing squarely. Same goes for Christ, it’s harder to hold someone else up when they lean on you if you’re not standing squarely on Jesus.

How can I write this right now? I don’t really know, because it’s very hypocritical since I know where I am. But hey, read it anyway, seems true doesn’t it? So I wrote it. I don’t really understand why I can write it.

Hey God, go back to your corner

jstiemk777 — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 18:20:38 +0000

Well here I am sitting at home getting ready to read over the Bible stuffs that’s going to be hit on this weekend at Districts, which it turns out I guess I’m going to be chaperoning haha fun and exciting. Anyway, I just remembered some stuff I thought of, or God told me. My question of why am I the same as I always have been if I’m a new creation, well here’s the answer I got. Colossians, who’d have thunk that the book we worked so hard on for bib interp would pop up and kick some crap in the butt later on, not only that but a passage of it will be at Districts. Anyway, Colossians 3:5

Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature…

Put it to death. I’ve heard this a lot growing up and what I always thought was something along the lines of “try to put it to death,” or “Jesus will put it to death,” or something like that. I don’t know if I ever took it as “you, put that to death.” Don’t know why, that’s what it says. This is not to say that Jesus can’t kill it, or won’t kill whatever it is, but here it says “put to death.” You put it to death. So why am I the same as I was? Because I have put nothing to death. I have not turned from anything. I have not taken off my old self, I have not put on a new self, I have professed a new self, but I haven’t taken the old off and put the new on. Truth be told I wouldn’t care so much about what I’m doing if in a few days wouldn’t bring scrutiny and a need for credibility, so i guess it’s good. Cause if wasn’t for that I’d probably just keep doing what I do and know that it’s wrong and completely unpleasing to God, but I’d just be like ,”aw well grace’s got it, onward!” Hopefully with less enthusiasm. So what do I need to do, take of the old self and put on the new. Romans 13:12

The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light.

So put it to death, put it aside, put on new self, armor of light. That’s what I’m supposed to do I guess. What irks me, is I know it. I know it’s wrong, I know that’s right. What frustrates me, makes me irate, is the fact that I don’t want to put it aside painful and retarded as what I do is, I love it. Hence the putting it aside and putting it to death would not be out of love for my Creator, that passion has long since dwindled. There’s an awareness, there’s the knowledge that I once loved Him enough to do it, but I don’t know what happened. It’s not flaming like it used to be. It’s flickering. Putting to death this stuff, it’d be out of duty, out of knowing that it’s what I should do. Now I think I know why my passion isn’t what it once was. Number one, I’ve gone back to my prior happenings, but I’m still a Christian. Cognitive dissonance or something like that right? I don’t rely on Him. I should rely on Him. It’s not a matter of not trusting I don’t think. But as I’ve stated, and learned, and had revealed to me, and spoken to my ear, I don’t want to rely on Him at this present moment in time. I haven’t wanted to rely on Him all year. Though I have relied on Him. Haha I relied on Him a lot early on, but then things got good and Iwas like,” Alright, thanks God, I can take it from here. Just let me do my thing, and I’ll pick back up this stuff I used to do, and I can handle this. Go back to your corner, I’ll call you if I need you.” If only I were humbled to Him. Now who does the humbling? Do I humble myself, or does He humble me? Does He teach me to be awed? Does He make me awed? Or do I decide to be awed? I know I have to consciously rely on Him. I think in my subconscious now though I don’t expect Him to answer when I call. I mean, big stuff doesn’t worry me, but it doesn’t seem like He answers when I pray. Praying for people’s health, for their hearts, for their lives, it doesn’t bother me. I expect Him to answer then, cause it’s about them and I know He’s got it. But when it’s about my heart, it seems quiet. Or maybe I don’t pray the right prayer for my heart, maybe I say the same things too much. I don’t know. I mean I guess that’s my doubt and James says he who asks must believe and not doubt, otherwise he shouldn’t expect anything. So I guess I’m doubting, but really I’m not expecting. Does not expecting equal doubting? I know God can totally hear, I know He does hear, and I know He can totally take anything I throw at Him, I just don’t expect Him to. Things of my heart it seems like He just leaves it. But then again, I am stubborn clay, so when He works it’d take long to notice results. I don’t know. If any of you have the eye capacity to read all of this, give me your thoughts. I really don’t want Him in His corner. And I want to expect, and rely on Him. And my flame, I’d like it to be raging too.

Admit you’ve held them shut

jstiemk777 — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 06:26:51 +0000

I LOVE FLYLEAF!!! You all need to go buy Memento Mori right now it’s FANTASTIC!!! And now that I’m done promoting their merchandise on to what I’m thinking.

Your clothes are smooth and spotless
The air is putrid sewage downwind of your pressed church clothes
Your eyes are black and empty
Your deeds are just for showing how big and bright your fake smile glows

Alright, so it’s not hard to see what they’re saying. I mean seriously it’s totally the two face, one person in the eyes of fellow believers and a complete other when the believers aren’t around. That’s that part. My favorite part of this song is the chorus.

See them surrender
Spread out your open hands
And he will raise you up
Confessing all that’s broken
Look at the healing come
Spread out your open hands
Admit you’ve held them shut
Be swept away by this

See this stands out to me because for so long apparently I’ve been learning a lot about grace, at least it was the subject of many of these writings. The thing is though what stands out to me is the part that says

Spread out your open hands
Admit you’ve held them shut
Turn all the way around
Be swept away by this

Admit I’ve held my hands shut. Admit that I have fought to be completely sold out. Admit that I have tried to keep things that should have been given to God, things that should have been turned completely from.

Which brings me to something I’ve been wrestling with all year. Why if I’m a new creation and the old has gone and the new has come, why am I so stanking similar to the old? Same failures, same lack of desire, same dwindled fire. Same disappointments. The fun thing, I’ve started thinking ridiculously along the lines of since I’m so similar to the old me and have these same downfalls might as well get some new ones so that something changes. That’s kind of the outlook I’ve taken. Which is stupid I know. At school it’s fine, there’s nothing to do. I don’t know who to talk to to make the things I think of available so it’s fine. I get to stay in my little safe bubble. But here, I know who to call. That’s not the point of this. The point of this is, if I’m a new creation why am I the same? Does anybody else have this question? I thought I’ve been a follower of Christ for years, but I’ve still wrestled with stuff. Now for the first few years I was like, ok I’ll grow out of this thing and this stuff I’ll keep fighting, I know it’s hard. But you’d think at some point you’d really be done giving into temptations. Then you’d think you’d not pursue temptations that you never gave into before, am I right? So explain to me. New creation, why the same as the old? Is everything a thorn like Paul wrote about? Is everything a consequence of not gazing a Jesus? Is it focusing on all the ways that Satan makes life miserable? Is it all supposed to weed us out? Who are the lovers of Jesus that will walk the same as they talk? But then, do they have to walk as they talk? Well faith without works is dead , but works without faith is also no good. So faith and works is the idea. More faith than works, but it can’t be an empty faith? Is that it? If I’m a new creation, why am I basically the same as the old? Why is grace so hard to grasp and accept? And why don’t I apparently love Jesus enough to be done with ridiculousness of old and of new? Anybody? My hands have not been open as of late.

Worst thing about this, at this present moment I’m not convicted as I’m used to being. I guess the fact that I’m writing this shows conviction, but it’s not like gut renching conviction, it’s simply the knowledge that there is absolute right and wrongness. That’s what it seems like right now. I tell you though, knowing that everything that I’m thinking, knowing everything I’m planning on doing, knowing all my grudges, knowing everything about me is frustrating. Now is the frustration conviction?

New creation, why the same as the old?

Never Change

jstiemk777 — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 16:21:17 +0000

“Wow, you haven’t changed a bit.”

Those are words that have become increasingly familiar to my ears each time I come home. Yeah I suppose to an extent it’s true. I look the same as I always did. So what? Does the idea of a person going to a completely different place and coming back the same comfort you for some reason? Why? As a person experiences new things, life changing things, they should indeed change, am I right? What I’ve always heard from everyone is “don’t change” in some way or another. And hey at the time that’s what I wanted. I didn’t want to change, I’ve always wanted to be the consistant thing in peoples lives. That’s all fine and dandy I guess, but one doesn’t have to be consistant in every way. The way that a person needs to be consistant is in the being there factor. The being present in what ever way is needed at the time, to chill, have fun, whatever. That’s the way that someone should never change. But there are things that need to change. Your faith needs to change, it needs to grow which is change. Thought processes need to grow, brilliant as we all really think we are, we don’t look at every angle of everything yet. Understanding needs to change, it needs to become better. Understanding of other people, the ability to give the benefit of the doubt. Understanding that some things will just not be understood. Trust, trust should increase. Trust in God should become greater, and the trusting of people because you trust God should be able to happen. It should shouldn’t it? That and the ability to abstain from what you always have should increase shouldn’t it? The temptation for everything may also increase. So looking at this very short list at what should change as one lives life what everyone says is true. I haven’t changed. And in one aspect that’s good, but in that aspect I feel like I’ve changed quite a bit. And the fact that I really haven’t changed much, but at the same time I’ve changed a ton, irks me. Not at all in some ways which is really frustrating because I know well. It sticks with me all the time, and I suppose always will. Whatever, but you’d think at some point I’d completely change from it, completely turn from it. A thorn? It is no thorn. It is not a thorn in my side, it is a chain I’ve chosen not to let go of though I’ve been freed. They are chains I’ve chosen not to let go of, and as long I hold onto them defenses are low. You’ve got chains, let ‘em go. Cause then you focus on them and not on Jesus, and then defenses go down the drain and resistance and all that jazz. Alright i’m done typing.

Sweet Jesus

jstiemk777 — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 08:16:43 +0000

Good God.

My friends this is quite a day. Actually it’s really not, yesterday was just a day as well, but it’s amazing what can cause what should be a twenty minute drive into a several hour long….I don’t even know.

We’re driving along, after just stopping in Janesville, half an hour from our rendezvous point, for a bathroom break. All of a sudden we come up on a van. Most definitely totaled. There was debris spread all over the road. Shards of glass spread everywhere, I think maybe an entire window in one spot if I remember what I saw correctly. After processing that there was indeed an accident the next image to be ingraved into our minds, a father holding his eight or so year old son. COMPLETELY LIMP. This man couldn’t have been too much older than thirty, pulled his boy from the back of the van and laid him on the ground. There was a gash on the young boys head, and there was no movement from the rest of him. The father put him down as gently as a panicked and grief-stricken human being could possibly manage. He kneeled over his boy, weeping and screaming for help. Yelling for help for his boy, for whom it was too late, and for his mother who had been thrown from the car and he could not find her. He screamed for someone to help him find his mother. There was also a woman, his sister or his wife, but she was bleeding from her mouth and was running around panicked screaming for help to find her mother.

My first thought,” Oh sweet Jesus, oh dear God, oh sweet Jesus.” I don’t know when Jordan got out of the van, he called 911, i just remember walking over to the grass and giving a feeble attempt of helping find his mother. Oh God, when they found her, and I walked over to where they were, to where she was. Then the man, his name was Kelly, came running down the hill yelling “no, no, no,” then he said,” Oh God, I just want to die, kill me now.” His sister, his wife was the same way, first an inaudible scream, and then an “Oh God I just want to die, Lord just kill me now.” Then everything started speeding by. People were out of their cars, a first responder was working on the mother. And several people were working on the young boy, but he was dead when we pulled up. There was another boy who hit his head. Oh God, that night. Jordan held Kelly up for a little while, until Kelly came back up to the road. I walked over to the van to the little boy and I was going to give them a blanket, but the two women working on him just looked up, I couldn’t stay there. I turned around and walked back to our van. Not long later, the ambulances got there, emt’s were doing what they could for both the boy and the woman who was thrown from the car. The boy was dead, and the first responder who was working on the woman before the emt’s got there got a pulse or found one or something, but the emts carried her out on a body board. We prayed, “holy crap God”, were the first words out of my mouth. And so many more were wanting to be said. The woman from the ditch was taken to a hospital. Kelly, his wife, and the middle boy were waiting to be taken. I don’t know what they did with the little boy. For lack of anything else to do, I put my packer blanket on Kelly’s shoulders, it was all I had, all I could do. I walked back to our van and got out Monica’s comforter and put it on the other woman’s shoulders. It was a cold wet rain.

Jordan and I stood outside in the rain for watching everything for I don’t know how long. I didn’t realize how cold and wet I was until I couldn’t move my fingers well enough to text everyone to pray for this thing we were seeing. When I realized my fingers weren’t really working, I got into our van and tried to thaw out so I could get some prayer going. Some people called and gave advice for which I can’t thank them enough, others got more people together and prayed, and one other called and prayed over the phone with us. The whole time, we were replaying the things we’d seen in our heads.

The image permanently planted in mine, even if I can’t remember Kelly’s face, him pulling his youngest boy from the back of the van. Completely limp, Kelly supporting his head and laying him on the concrete. I remember the way the boys body just crumpled. His legs kind of bent up under him because as Kelly laid him down his legs got caught and he just folded up, and his arms were dangling. Then Kelly on his hands and knees over his boy crying “no no no.” The other one, the mother’s body in the ditch, partially lit by a flashlight. Not moving.

Oh sweet Jesus, this should not have happened to this family.

Oh sweet Jesus, it could have been us. If we hadn’t have stopped in Janesville, it could have been us. We arrived JUST AFTER IT HAPPENED!

Still shocked, oh yes, still shocked, and angry which is kind of confusing to me.

I am troubled for this family. These people I do not know. I want to find them, and talk to them.

Oh dear God. Sweet Jesus. All other words escape me. Pray for them. The only name I heard was Kelly.

Be safe my friends. Know this, you are loved dearly. Do you know that?

I have nothing more to say tonight.

Some questions

jstiemk777 — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 19:36:00 +0000

So quick thought, kind of reflecting back to what was said at the 509 this morning, and I emphasize the kind of. We talked about caring for the poor, and what not, and asked the question if you can care for the poor and not be poor.

So my questions:

Can you know what it is to be humble without learning however abruptly that you have pride? Can we know that we are being humble without knowing that we were or are prideful? This one I don’t know. Can we know what it is to love without knowing what it is to hate? I don’t know about that one either. Can we know what it is to be selfless without first being selfish? Can we know what it is to be at peace, to be loving, to care, witout first being angry, being in turmoil, hating, and not caring? I don’t know if we can or if we can’t. I don’t know. Can we know what it is to be loved without knowing what it is to be not loved? Not hated, and not unloved, but not loved. Basically, liked. Can we know what it is to love and be loved without knowing what it is to be not loved and also to not love? Not loving seems to be out and about. Not loving is not, unloving, and not loved is not unloved. Unloved implies a lack of care. So not loving. We are all about liking things, and not loving people but liking people. Lets stop not loving hey.

Blarg and arg

jstiemk777 — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 17:43:44 +0000

Sin may have lost its grip on me, but I have refused to let it go,
My life my friends is one big constant spit, smack, punch, insert biggest form of disgrace, to God. I tell you what though, Sin is so much easier to focus on than anything else. It’s easy to see, it is easy to see it’s effects, and it is in a way the only other thing in life that will not fail. It will not fail to tear you down. I’ll tell you what, at this moment in time all my imperfections, falsehoods, the places where I’m not living like Jesus is SOOOO obvious!! I can see my pride, I can see my lack of trust, I can see my failures, oh how I hate them, I can see my judgment, I can see my anger, I can see it I can see it all and I hate it! Then I can see me kind of brush it off until later in the week it creeps back up. I can see my selfishness and I HATE IT!! Yes yes, I know Jesus’ blood is so much more than enough to cover me! Oh my friends, there is no numbness but right now there seems to be little compassion, except I long to be compassionate. I know Jesus was more than enough, I know that he still loves me despite all this crap that I do, I know all of that I don’t need to hear it. Don’t know what I need to hear, but I know all of that. You can tell it to me again and I will not know it any more or less than I did before. What needs to happen is my heart to accept it, to accept the entirity of it, and to be changed. Oh a change of heart, how beautiful that would be. God I want to gaze, even if I gaze angrily, or in shame I want to gaze at You and see people through Your eyes. See everything through Your eyes!
I hate that I have these ideas in my head of how I think a follower of Christ should act and talk and I get so angry when other people don’t follow those ideas I have. THen I get angrier for getting angry over that and not being able to put to rest that. I hate that I’m pointing a finger, so my friends, I will point a finger at me for I am well aware of everything I could point at in my life. Forgive me for pointing at you. God change my heart. Freaking finger pointing. I hate it! Hate it hate it hate it!! I will point at my own places, not yours, I’m sorry, forgive me. How I hate my failings, I hate my anger, I hate my judging, I hate my lack of trust in God, I hate my shame, and I hate my hatred! Oh my goodness I have so much more to say but no words. Another time my friends another time. Read James, all of it, read it several times. Gaze at Jesus, that’s what we’re here for. Work on that, see how he wants you to live, and I’ll try and find out too. Help us out Jesus, we’re blinded.

unfocused fool

jstiemk777 — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 07:19:18 +0000

God are you getting glory from anything I’m doing these days?
My heart has not been on you, My mind has not been on you,
But oh how I can fake my focus, I can put on an act indeed,
Forgive me, convict me, move me, forgive me,
Break me, in brokenness I seek, but give me joy in that brokenness,
Better to be broken than to be in one piece and feel numb,
Did I put dynamite in my foundations? Or did I take a jackhammer to it?
Foolishness has flooded your house,
God break down my walls hey?
But let my focus be you and let it be legit,
No not let it be, God make it be,
Make it my desire, Be what I long for Lord,
Be what I ache for, Oh God I do ache,
And I’m sorry it’s not for you, forgive me,
I want it to be, I want to be as in love with you as you are with me,
There’s often a hollowness here and I don’t get it,
There’s a judge in my mind that never used to live there,
Was there a time when I really found my identity in you?
Was there ever really a time? Oh God how I want to.
This may be the first time I have taken off almost all the things I “am”
Everything I’ve done, everything that’s been so prevalent, I have not done,
Take away the comparison, take away the judging,
Give me a focus, give me love for You and Your love,
AH! God this is my prayer, but it feels so tailored,
There’s so much more there,
So much more to be said,
So many more words in my head,
But I can’t get it all out!
It isn’t right, this isn’t right,
I’ve got the wrong approach to this fight,
I’m not running to your light,
But at the same time I am,
But I’m expecting nothing, I’m expecting no answer,
Or I’m expecting to be brushed off, shrugged off,
Which is foolishness, But seriously,
I know you see, I know you hear,
But I expect no response, and I think I have some right to rely on me and not you,
Though I have no reason not to trust you,
My idiotic thought process must be that I have no reason to either,
Which would be an untruth,
Gentle nods and violent shakes, doesn’t matter if I’m not relying on you,
So often that’s why I do what I do,
As if there’s anything that I can do without you,
Oh to first find joy in you, Is there really joy anywhere else?
God, I’m in a storm, you know it better than I do,
But I’m pretty sure I’m the cause,
I walked outside into it,
I’m drowning in the pool I jumped into,
I can swim but for whatever reason I’m deciding not to,
Hanging on a cliff, choosing not to have a rope,
It’s a freaking ridiculous choice I’ve made,
And I don’t know, maybe now I’m in the habit of making it,
And I hate that, Break me out of it!
Break me out please! Dear God I’m on my knees,
So much more to say, but every word only more incomplete,
But God you know my heart better than I do, with everyday,
I want to be humbled, I want to be in awe,
I want to see everything through your eyes,
But this choice storm, I’m deciding to stay in it,
And it’s stupid!! I mean really, it is a choice isn’t?
So break it hey? won’t you?
Maybe that’s the wrong thing to pray,
What am I supposed to learn from this?
There’s no sports, no music, no theater,
None of the things that were and have always been “who” I am,
But now that they’re gone I’m not finding it in You,
But oh how I want to, I can’t read who and what I am in You,
I’ve made the choice not to, foolishness I know.
And I don’t like how this is, I don’t like this change,
I haven’t been your joyful child I always was, and I hate it,
But maybe I never was a joyful one,
Maybe I was just a kid having a good time and the good time caused the good mood,
Whatever, I don’t like it now, I’m not always that way,
Joy does not flow from me, but maybe this is a time when it’s not supposed to,
Why would that be? It wouldn’t would it?
Or perhaps foolishly I’m equating joy and my once hyperactivity,
So I am and ever will be a fool of fools,
Foolish though I am, foolish though my plan,
Foolish though happiness, foolish though my pain,
Foolish though my heart, foolish though my storm,
Fool of fools though I am, I am Your fool,
Your fool who looks so many other ways.

Coward

jstiemk777 — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 18:25:07 +0000

AAAAAAAH!! You know what?!! I’m really tired!! SO I was in church today, we had a great guest speaker guy, RV Brown, he’s awesome. He talked the whole time about people not being afraid to be Christians, people not being afraid to be followers of Christ, and it was awesome. He was talking about people stepping up to the plate. Now the first thing we did, he said clap your hands and praise God for thirty seconds after he quoted the verse from Psalm 34 or 134 I forget which. And so we did, but I was disappointed cause all I could do standing there next to my dad was clap. If I was at a youth conference I would have been screaming and clapping and fist pumping and all that jazz. The RV starts preaching very goodly. At the end he does an altar call, and he’s all, “If you’re not 100% sure you’re going to Heaven today come to the altar.” and all that and then he was like, ” If you need to shape up your walk and get walking with God come to the altar,” and all that. Now I’m not gonna lie, I was like you know I should go up there. But once again my butt was glued to my seat. Now I know that going to the altar when called doesn’t mean anything, it’s what’s in your heart but you know what? There has only been one period when I have gotten up because I needed to. I’ll tell you why I’m so frustrated, because it was an altar call at my “home” church here and I couldn’t get up in front of everyone and say hey I’ve got stuff to work on in my walk. It’s not even a verbal declaration it was just a physical one, with no words and I couldn’t get up. And I hate that, It’s not the first time and I hate that more. I know you don’t have to get up everytime there’s an altar call saying dedicate or rededicate your life, but seriously if you’re being told to move you ought to be able to move right? It’s a tiny action, there were no stones about to be cast, there was no firing squad, it was my church “family” sitting with heads bowed and eyes closed. I tell you what, there are few people I envy in life and the ones I do are the one’s that don’t hold back with their faith. I’m tired of being a coward aren’t you? Some people even say that I’m not a coward, but I tell you what, I am. I’m tired of sitting here and typing where I can’t see any other person or their reaction, this literally safe place. This stale place that is my house! Listen, I love these notes because it’s kind of the only thing that even resembles any kind of ministry I’ve got becaues they encourage some and they challenge some I guess. That’s what some people say, but I don’t know how much nor do I think anyone really takes anything lasting, so these things are bittersweet. I love them but also I hate them. I’ve been here what two weeks? The reason I don’t want to be here is partly because I miss everyone over south eastern of us, but also it is SO STALE!! There is little to no God talk in my house, and little people excited about their faith that I know and that’s draining. So today at church it was nice, all the old people cheering, but then there I was thinking to myself,” Wow this is wierd, huh if I was anywhere else I’d be making so much more noise, and hmmm I should go up but I’m embarrassed, but I should also leave room for the people that really need to,” Whatever!! So I was thinking of all these stories I’ve heard this summer. I’ve heard of people living a Christian lie and posing as a Christian, and no lie everyday I wonder if I’m doing that same thing, most of the time I come to the conclusion I’m not. Then I heard a story about this Muslim convert who got beat up by her brother or something, dragged back to her home where she was told to renounce her faith and what not, and she did not. You know what happened then? She was stoned, by her FAMILY!!! But she told her family about what she believed, they clearly didn’t accept it, but she told them. You know something, that kind of stuff leaves a mark on people. So I was thinking of that sitting in my chair, my padded chair, surrounded by people who know Christ as well, and I can’t move to get up to say hey I’ve got stuff to work on but I’m telling ya’ll that I really have made the decision to follow this Savior we’ve got, which I have, I’ve just never gotten up to say that. I have never declared it from my mouth to my family. Seriously, I’m so angry and I hate it, because my friends I am a coward. I can’t even stand up to my family and say hey, this is wrong what you’re doing. They way we’re going about things is wrong.So You know what kind of faith I want? The kind that woman had that let her stand up in front of her friends and family who were about to stone her and say this is what I believe. I want to be able to say “There is a cost, but there is such love.” I want to know, what kind of faith do you have? Where are you at?