Sweet Jesus

Good God.

My friends this is quite a day. Actually it’s really not, yesterday was just a day as well, but it’s amazing what can cause what should be a twenty minute drive into a several hour long….I don’t even know.

We’re driving along, after just stopping in Janesville, half an hour from our rendezvous point, for a bathroom break. All of a sudden we come up on a van. Most definitely totaled. There was debris spread all over the road. Shards of glass spread everywhere, I think maybe an entire window in one spot if I remember what I saw correctly. After processing that there was indeed an accident the next image to be ingraved into our minds, a father holding his eight or so year old son. COMPLETELY LIMP. This man couldn’t have been too much older than thirty, pulled his boy from the back of the van and laid him on the ground. There was a gash on the young boys head, and there was no movement from the rest of him. The father put him down as gently as a panicked and grief-stricken human being could possibly manage. He kneeled over his boy, weeping and screaming for help. Yelling for help for his boy, for whom it was too late, and for his mother who had been thrown from the car and he could not find her. He screamed for someone to help him find his mother. There was also a woman, his sister or his wife, but she was bleeding from her mouth and was running around panicked screaming for help to find her mother.

My first thought,” Oh sweet Jesus, oh dear God, oh sweet Jesus.” I don’t know when Jordan got out of the van, he called 911, i just remember walking over to the grass and giving a feeble attempt of helping find his mother. Oh God, when they found her, and I walked over to where they were, to where she was. Then the man, his name was Kelly, came running down the hill yelling “no, no, no,” then he said,” Oh God, I just want to die, kill me now.” His sister, his wife was the same way, first an inaudible scream, and then an “Oh God I just want to die, Lord just kill me now.” Then everything started speeding by. People were out of their cars, a first responder was working on the mother. And several people were working on the young boy, but he was dead when we pulled up. There was another boy who hit his head. Oh God, that night. Jordan held Kelly up for a little while, until Kelly came back up to the road. I walked over to the van to the little boy and I was going to give them a blanket, but the two women working on him just looked up, I couldn’t stay there. I turned around and walked back to our van. Not long later, the ambulances got there, emt’s were doing what they could for both the boy and the woman who was thrown from the car. The boy was dead, and the first responder who was working on the woman before the emt’s got there got a pulse or found one or something, but the emts carried her out on a body board. We prayed, “holy crap God”, were the first words out of my mouth. And so many more were wanting to be said. The woman from the ditch was taken to a hospital. Kelly, his wife, and the middle boy were waiting to be taken. I don’t know what they did with the little boy. For lack of anything else to do, I put my packer blanket on Kelly’s shoulders, it was all I had, all I could do. I walked back to our van and got out Monica’s comforter and put it on the other woman’s shoulders. It was a cold wet rain.

Jordan and I stood outside in the rain for watching everything for I don’t know how long. I didn’t realize how cold and wet I was until I couldn’t move my fingers well enough to text everyone to pray for this thing we were seeing. When I realized my fingers weren’t really working, I got into our van and tried to thaw out so I could get some prayer going. Some people called and gave advice for which I can’t thank them enough, others got more people together and prayed, and one other called and prayed over the phone with us. The whole time, we were replaying the things we’d seen in our heads.

The image permanently planted in mine, even if I can’t remember Kelly’s face, him pulling his youngest boy from the back of the van. Completely limp, Kelly supporting his head and laying him on the concrete. I remember the way the boys body just crumpled. His legs kind of bent up under him because as Kelly laid him down his legs got caught and he just folded up, and his arms were dangling. Then Kelly on his hands and knees over his boy crying “no no no.” The other one, the mother’s body in the ditch, partially lit by a flashlight. Not moving.

Oh sweet Jesus, this should not have happened to this family.

Oh sweet Jesus, it could have been us. If we hadn’t have stopped in Janesville, it could have been us. We arrived JUST AFTER IT HAPPENED!

Still shocked, oh yes, still shocked, and angry which is kind of confusing to me. 

I am troubled for this family. These people I do not know. I want to find them, and talk to them.

Oh dear God. Sweet Jesus. All other words escape me. Pray for them. The only name I heard was Kelly.

Be safe my friends. Know this, you are loved dearly. Do you know that?

 I have nothing more to say tonight.

Some questions

So quick thought, kind of reflecting back to what was said at the 509 this morning, and I emphasize the kind of. We talked about caring for the poor, and what not, and asked the question if you can care for the poor and not be poor.

So my questions:

Can you know what it is to be humble without learning however abruptly that you have pride? Can we know that we are being humble without knowing that we were or are prideful? This one I don’t know. Can we know what it is to love without knowing what it is to hate? I don’t know about that one either. Can we know what it is to be selfless without first being selfish? Can we know what it is to be at peace, to be loving, to care, witout first being angry, being in turmoil, hating, and not caring? I don’t know if we can or if we can’t. I don’t know. Can we know what it is to be loved without knowing what it is to be not loved? Not hated, and not unloved, but not loved. Basically, liked. Can we know what it is to love and be loved without knowing what it is to be not loved and also to not love? Not loving seems to be out and about. Not loving is not, unloving, and not loved is not unloved. Unloved implies a lack of care. So not loving. We are all about liking things, and not loving people but liking people. Lets stop not loving hey.

Blarg and arg

Sin may have lost its grip on me, but I have refused to let it go,
My life my friends is one big constant spit, smack, punch, insert biggest form of disgrace, to God. I tell you what though, Sin is so much easier to focus on than anything else. It’s easy to see, it is easy to see it’s effects, and it is in a way the only other thing in life that will not fail. It will not fail to tear you down. I’ll tell you what, at this moment in time all my imperfections, falsehoods, the places where I’m not living like Jesus is SOOOO obvious!! I can see my pride, I can see my lack of trust, I can see my failures, oh how I hate them, I can see my judgment, I can see my anger, I can see it I can see it all and I hate it! Then I can see me kind of brush it off until later in the week it creeps back up. I can see my selfishness and I HATE IT!! Yes yes, I know Jesus’ blood is so much more than enough to cover me! Oh my friends, there is no numbness but right now there seems to be little compassion, except I long to be compassionate. I know Jesus was more than enough, I know that he still loves me despite all this crap that I do,  I know all of that I don’t need to hear it. Don’t know what I need to hear, but I know all of that. You can tell it to me again and I will not know it any more or less than I did before. What needs to happen is my heart to accept it, to accept the entirity of it, and to be changed. Oh a change of heart, how beautiful that would be. God I want to gaze, even if I gaze angrily, or in shame I want to gaze at You and see people through Your eyes. See everything through Your eyes!
I hate that I have these ideas in my head of how I think a follower of Christ should act and talk and I get so angry when other people don’t follow those ideas I have. THen I get angrier for getting angry over that and not being able to put to rest that. I hate that I’m pointing a finger, so my friends, I will point a finger at me for I am well aware of everything I could point at in my life. Forgive me for pointing at you. God change my heart. Freaking finger pointing. I hate it! Hate it hate it hate it!! I will point at my own places, not yours, I’m sorry, forgive me. How I hate my failings, I hate my anger, I hate my judging, I hate my lack of trust in God, I hate my shame, and I hate my hatred! Oh my goodness I have so much more to say but no words. Another time my friends another time. Read James, all of it, read it several times. Gaze at Jesus, that’s what we’re here for. Work on that, see how he wants you to live, and I’ll try and find out too. Help us out Jesus, we’re blinded.

unfocused fool

God are you getting glory from anything I’m doing these days?
My heart has not been on you, My mind has not been on you,
But oh how I can fake my focus, I can put on an act indeed,
Forgive me, convict me, move me, forgive me,
Break me, in brokenness I seek, but give me joy in that brokenness,
Better to be broken than to be in one piece and feel numb,
Did I put dynamite in my foundations? Or did I take a jackhammer to it?
Foolishness has flooded your house,
God break down my walls hey?
But let my focus be you and let it be legit,
No not let it be, God make it be,
Make it my desire, Be what I long for Lord,
Be what I ache for, Oh God I do ache,
And I’m sorry it’s not for you, forgive me,
I want it to be, I want to be as in love with you as you are with me,
There’s often a hollowness here and I don’t get it,
There’s a judge in my mind that never used to live there,
Was there a time when I really found my identity in you?
Was there ever really a time? Oh God how I want to.
This may be the first time I have taken off almost all the things I “am”
Everything I’ve done, everything that’s been so prevalent, I have not done,
Take away the comparison, take away the judging,
Give me a focus, give me love for You and Your love,
AH! God this is my prayer, but it feels so tailored,
There’s so much more there,
So much more to be said,
So many more words in my head,
But I can’t get it all out!
It isn’t right, this isn’t right,
I’ve got the wrong approach to this fight,
I’m not running to your light,
But at the same time I am,
But I’m expecting nothing, I’m expecting no answer,
Or I’m expecting to be brushed off, shrugged off,
Which is foolishness, But seriously,
I know you see, I know you hear,
But I expect no response, and I think I have some right to rely on me and not you,
Though I have no reason not to trust you,
My idiotic thought process must be that I have no reason to either,
Which would be an untruth,
Gentle nods and violent shakes, doesn’t matter if I’m not relying on you,
So often that’s why I do what I do,
As if there’s anything that I can do without you,
Oh to first find joy in you, Is there really joy anywhere else?
God, I’m in a storm, you know it better than I do,
But I’m pretty sure I’m the cause,
I walked outside into it,
I’m drowning in the pool I jumped into,
I can swim but for whatever reason I’m deciding not to,
Hanging on a cliff, choosing not to have a rope,
It’s a freaking ridiculous choice I’ve made,
And I don’t know, maybe now I’m in the habit of making it,
And I hate that, Break me out of it!
Break me out please! Dear God I’m on my knees,
So much more to say, but every word only more incomplete,
But God you know my heart better than I do, with everyday,
I want to be humbled, I want to be in awe,
I want to see everything through your eyes,
But this choice storm, I’m deciding to stay in it,
And it’s stupid!! I mean really, it is a choice isn’t?
So break it hey? won’t you?
Maybe that’s the wrong thing to pray,
What am I supposed to learn from this?
There’s no sports, no music, no theater,
None of the things that were and have always been “who” I am,
But now that they’re gone I’m not finding it in You,
But oh how I want to, I can’t read who and what I am in You,
I’ve made the choice not to, foolishness I know.
And I don’t like how this is, I don’t like this change,
I haven’t been your joyful child I always was, and I hate it,
But maybe I never was a joyful one,
Maybe I was just a kid having a good time and the good time caused the good mood,
Whatever, I don’t like it now, I’m not always that way,
Joy does not flow from me, but maybe this is a time when it’s not supposed to,
Why would that be? It wouldn’t would it?
Or perhaps foolishly I’m equating joy and my once hyperactivity,
So I am and ever will be a fool of fools,
Foolish though I am, foolish though my plan,
Foolish though happiness, foolish though my pain,
Foolish though my heart, foolish though my storm,
Fool of fools though I am, I am Your fool,
Your fool who looks so many other ways.

Coward

AAAAAAAH!! You know what?!! I’m really tired!! SO I was in church today, we had a great guest speaker guy, RV Brown, he’s awesome. He talked the whole time about people not being afraid to be Christians, people not being afraid to be followers of Christ, and it was awesome. He was talking about people stepping up to the plate. Now the first thing we did, he said clap your hands and praise God for thirty seconds after he quoted the verse from Psalm 34 or 134 I forget which. And so we did, but I was disappointed cause all I could do standing there next to my dad was clap. If I was at a youth conference I would have been screaming and clapping and fist pumping and all that jazz. The RV starts preaching very goodly. At the end he does an altar call, and he’s all, “If you’re not 100% sure you’re going to Heaven today come to the altar.” and all that and then he was like, ” If you need to shape up your walk and get walking with God come to the altar,” and all that. Now I’m not gonna lie, I was like you know I should go up there. But once again my butt was glued to my seat. Now I know that going to the altar when called doesn’t mean anything, it’s what’s in your heart but you know what? There has only been one period when I have gotten up because I needed to. I’ll tell you why I’m so frustrated, because it was an altar call at my “home” church here and I couldn’t get up in front of everyone and say hey I’ve got stuff to work on in my walk. It’s not even a verbal declaration it was just a physical one, with no words and I couldn’t get up. And I hate that, It’s not the first time and I hate that more. I know you don’t have to get up everytime there’s an altar call saying dedicate or rededicate your life, but seriously if you’re being told to move you ought to be able to move right? It’s a tiny action, there were no stones about to be cast, there was no firing squad, it was my church “family” sitting with heads bowed and eyes closed. I tell you what, there are few people I envy in life and the ones I do are the one’s that don’t hold back with their faith. I’m tired of being a coward aren’t you? Some people even say that I’m not a coward, but I tell you what, I am. I’m tired of sitting here and typing where I can’t see any other person or their reaction, this literally safe place. This stale place that is my house! Listen, I love these notes because it’s kind of the only thing that even resembles any kind of ministry I’ve got becaues they encourage some and they challenge some I guess. That’s what some people say, but I don’t know how much nor do I think anyone really takes anything lasting, so these things are bittersweet. I love them but also I hate them. I’ve been here what two weeks? The reason I don’t want to be here is partly because I miss everyone over south eastern of us, but also it is SO STALE!! There is little to no God talk in my house, and little people excited about their faith that I know and that’s draining. So today at church it was nice, all the old people cheering, but then there I was thinking to myself,” Wow this is wierd, huh if I was anywhere else I’d be making so much more noise, and hmmm I should go up but I’m embarrassed, but I should also leave room for the people that really need to,” Whatever!! So I was thinking of all these stories I’ve heard this summer. I’ve heard of people living a Christian lie and posing as a Christian, and no lie everyday I wonder if I’m doing that same thing, most of the time I come to the conclusion I’m not. Then I heard a story about this Muslim convert who got beat up by her brother or something, dragged back to her home where she was told to renounce her faith and what not, and she did not. You know what happened then? She was stoned, by her FAMILY!!! But she told her family about what she believed, they clearly didn’t accept it, but she told them. You know something, that kind of stuff leaves a mark on people. So I was thinking of that sitting in my chair, my padded chair, surrounded by people who know Christ as well, and I can’t move to get up to say hey I’ve got stuff to work on but I’m telling ya’ll that I really have made the decision to follow this Savior we’ve got, which I have, I’ve just never gotten up to say that. I have never declared it from my mouth to my family. Seriously, I’m so angry and I hate it, because my friends I am a coward. I can’t even stand up to my family and say hey, this is wrong what you’re doing. They way we’re going about things is wrong.So  You know what kind of faith I want? The kind that woman had that let her stand up in front of her friends and family who were about to stone her and say this is what I believe. I want to be able to say “There is a cost, but there is such love.” I want to know, what kind of faith do you have? Where are you at?

Time to breath in and let everything out?

Oh my friends my friends!! AAAH!!! Here’s the thing, hear it, read it, soak it up. We need God. Yep, we NEED him, he is a necessity. The greatest necessity on earth. Now remember those of you who read my note “Worthy” I got to talking about walls right. So I’ve got God, and even now I feel like this is the most passionate about Him that I’ve ever been, unfortunately I have a but. BUT I still have a wall, and Lord knows that it’s a huge one. Oh God you are sovereign indeed, and we can earn nothing from you. It all is a gift. Ours to accept, and Lord you know I have indeed accepted it unfortunately I have that ever present and aching BUT.

Aaah, my friends my friends, I’m pleading and begging you, take care of whatever “but” you have that’s blocking you from the fullness of God’s love because embracing his grace in as much as we as human’s can possibly hold, there’s nothing better. My friends, my friends, hear you me, please, and don’t be angry I truly get excited when I hear what God’s doing in your lives, there’s nothing better to fuel passion with than to hear and to remember. Please be merciful to me, show compassion on my heart as I feel I need to clear up something with some of you, and I guess maybe more than just a few. I don’t know. My friends, as passionate as I may be, I am indeed a sinner. I am still a liar. What causes us to lie? Fear. What have we to fear? nothing really, nothing but God, but we not only fear Him, we get to love Him as He loves us. So, I have been convicted. My friends I have something that has been keeping me from fully reveling. Maybe it’s not bad to not be completely breath taken at the same time as others, I mean it’s not bad, nor is it bad to agree that it’s awesome even if you’re not exactly awed right at that moment. I guess that kind of awe just comes as your relationship with God grows. So never mind, but I hope to consistently have that awe and not have to force it. Also it is my constant prayer to do things for God’s glory and only for God’s glory, at least in worship. We should only do what we do in worship if it’s God telling us to do it. Not to have people look at us and go, oh wow, what amazing faith that person has, how in tune with the spirit…or whatever. We must not do it for our glory, especially during worship. O God forgive me. My friends, I think I am convicted, and while being convicted terror comes in at what I think I have to do. Don’t know why, it’s mostly just giving more accurate details to a story already told. Maybe. Oh God give me words, and warm the hearts of the people I need to talk to. Oh God, give me strength and peace. Oh God my God forgive my walls that are oh so thick, break them down. Break me, and let me be broken with no walls. Unhindered, and brokenly honest. With ALL my trust, and ALL my hope, and EVERY bit of focus on you Father. If I need to do this, help me. I need you, I know I do, and I know you’re there, here, and I know you hear. So hear and read my prayer Father, cause it has been said and written. Guide me God. Clean this old house. Help me breath in and let everything out. Make me an open book.

Worthy

God alone is worthy. He is worthy all the time. He is worthy of praise, of worship, of prayer, of adoration, of our attention, of seeking, of wonder, of awe, he alone is worthy of our gaze! And we should indeed praise him. We should praise him in our, suffering and in our peace, in our pain and in our joy. Numbness is the worst place to be, but broken is the best. It is best to be broken because broken is when we most oftenly rely on Him. So we’ve all got our walls right? Right. Well we’ve all got a lot of them. Now I don’t think that to be broken so that we rely on Him requires us to be aching all the time, but we will indeed and do indeed ache in this life don’t we, I think that broken requires the breaking down of the walls we’ve built. Once those walls are broken, then we too are broken, but in a completely beautiful way. Walls not only keep people, and attempt to keep God out, but they keep us in. When our walls are broken down, then we are indeed free. And in that freedom we are broken, we are broken because with that freedom we are not relying on ourselves for self-preservation. But we are relying on God to be our shelter, after all Psalm 62:1-2 “My soul finds rest in God alone, my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.”  My soul finds rest in God alone. In Him alone, in Him ALONE. Listen, we can look for rest in every direction we want. We can look for rest in our friends, in significant others, in parents, sisters, brothers, family, but we will not find it looking in those directions. Now they may point to where you’ll find rest, but there is no rest aside from that which is found in God. In His arms, in His embrace, with my head on His shoulder. Now my friends let me tell you, I have learned to appreciate hugs and cuddling and all that jazz, but seriously I can’t wait to be physically embraced by my loving Heavenly Father. Oh what a day that will be, a better shoulder there will never be, a more fitting place there will never be. Anyway, back to the broken thing. Being broken in the way that walls are broken down is beautiful. Not only do you feel pain, you can feel other’s pain. BUT when wall are torn down you also feel joy, you feel complete joy! Total joy!! AND you can truly share in another’s joy!! Romans 12:15 “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” When we have our walls, they block everything, they promote numbness. We can neither rejoice, nor can we mourn. They may keep us from feeling pain, but they also keep out joy and then they block out love. And God knows that we need to feel love in this life, He knows that, that’s why He made us the way He did. But the love that’s going to make a difference more than anything else is God’s love, and when we build our walls they kind of block His love from sinking in. God in His love begins the breaking down of walls project, but we always fight Him. So the tearing down of our walls hurts a lot, it aches, and it is generally unpleasant. But my friends it is worth it and it is necessary. When he finally breaks down our walls we remain broken, but we are in one piece. In the brokenness of God it doesn’t mean that we are shattered and aching, we are healed and in one piece but we can feel. We can feel so much more of everything and it is truly a blessing to be. To truly feel another’s pain, to truly share in another’s joy, to face your own pain, oh yeah walls block things from you too, and to truly revel in your joy.

My friends, revel in God. Marvel at his amazingness! His love is sooo deep, it is sooo much more than we can stand and yet He lavishes us with it, and in turn we are to love Him and we are to love others with it. Oh how He loves us! I want to melt in Him.

Ya’ll want a passion for God? Remember what He’s done for you. Talk about Him. Talk about Him with fellow believers and rejoice in what He’s done! Truly rejoice!! Take joy in his deliverance and praise Him in your storms! I hope and pray that ya’ll do want a passion for him.

“Oh angels, oh angels, look and see! Through that dark night of faith she’s gazing at me!”

Wow. God is good. So I’m listening to this song by Misty Edwards, it’s called Simple Devotion. It is powerful. I have two favorite parts…actually, all of it is amazing. But one part that I really love is:

And then I hear you say as you gaze over the balcony of Heaven
I hear you say as you peer through the lattice of time
I hear you say as you stand in Heaven
I hear you say as you rejoice over me,
O angels o angels look and see!
Through that dark night of faith she is gazing at me!
O angels O angels look and see!!
Through that cloud of unknowing she’s gazing at me!
You have ravished my heart,
My sister, my bride with one
glance of your eye
over and over and over and over again!

I just love that. Guys we live in hard times. For the most part we’ll be parting ways soon, and I’m not gonna lie it’s eating me up. You know and then there’s everything else that we struggle with. Some with relationships that have been broken, and they have left bruises, they have cut deeply, and whether it’s from tears or the metaphorical black eyes that come from such a beating of a heart, eyes become swollen so it’s hard to see. I tell you though, it’s whether we still try to look that makes a difference. We feel overwhelmed? Ok it’s where we go for relief that makes a difference, who we look to. And jeez, I’m just like, wow. That last part of the song is how I want God to be all the time over me. As we walk through our different storms, I want God to sing and exclaim to the angels his joy that I’m gazing at him through it all. Through the rain, and the tears, and everything. But then also it’s just another glimpse at our great Father, this all powerful Creator, and Healer’s love for us. That he would rejoice so much that we are gazing at him? It blows my mind!!! Seriously!!! I mean here we are, sinners, unclean, so completely unworthy, yet when we decide to love him and gaze at him he rejoices!! He more than rejoices!! HE DECLARES!!! He says to the angels, ” Hey! Look at this!!! My beloved is gazing at me!! She’s going through all this stuff, and it makes her ache, and I ache for her and with her, but she’s gazing at me!!! I love being loved!! I will lavish my love upon her! She will be overwhelmed by my love!! OH!! Everyone!! She’s gazing at me!! And it’s taking my breath away!!” And he rejoices!! My friends, my fellow warriors what else could you want? Aside from this great and glorious God rejoicing merely from your gaze!! That’s amazing!!! Guys, as in the few males who read these, he rejoices over you in the same way! And it’s not like a wierd gay thing because well God’s not gay. He is a Father and a Creator reveling in the fact that his children, his creation, love him back!! How cool is that!! You know how we revel in God’s love? We are in awe of him? Well, He revels in our love for Him! Isn’t that awesome!!!!! First he washes our stains away!! COMPLETELY GONE!!!  Our sins are erased!! They are no more!! And yeah, sometimes that’s hard to fathom, sometimes that’s hard to grasp because Satan, our accuser gets in there and is like “Look, this is what you’ve done, it’s not enough, you can’t be clean.” But God tells us otherwise. He says, ” It is more than enough, you are loved, and I will NOT forget you!! But I have forgotten your sins. Draw near to me, and I will draw near to you! O angels!  Do you see? Take a look at my beloved children. They heard me, they love me! See they gaze at me! I lavish them in love!” 

Oh how He loves us so! Awesome, awesome, awesome! I want to gaze at Him and be rejoiced over. I want to be one of the one’s that God points to and says, ” Look angels, she’s gazing at me! Through her doubts and fears, she’s gazing at me! I will never grow tired of her, of her gaze, of her presence!”

Nothing like it

So my last post wasn’t the most…uplifting, but oh indeed it was heartfelt. I think I heard an answer. Maybe my doubts in exactly what to call it would just be because I too am not used to giving credit where credit is due, and giving it earnestly and sincerely. It is a blessing to be a blessing, and it is a blessing to be an instrument in God’s powerful and all-extending hands. Never will there be anything in life that will be as fulfilling as serving, and serving God. Anyway, why I think I heard an answer, what I asked was basically when will I earnestly serve the people I love? For God’s glory, then for their benefit, and not ever my own fulfillment. Well, you learn by serving, you learn where your heart is at by being there. Now this is to friends new and old, I hope there never is a time when I serve for my own fulfillment and soley for that. I tell you this because as I see your pain, it makes me ache, I want to take it away from ya’ll, take it off your shoulders, but I have learned that I cannot do that. All I can do is be there when you need me to be. I can lend an ear, I can give a shoulder, an embrace, a smile, a joke, I can fall over a chair (and no that wasn’t on purpose), but that’s all I can do. Aside from that, which I should have learned and known years ago, I can pray with you. That’s the most powerful weapon we’ve got, and that’s the best thing I can give.

Psalm 62:8 Trust in him at all times, O people, pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.

Pouring our hearts out to him in prayer is the most powerful thing we can do. In anything.
Now I’m not going to lie, afterwards, knowing that God used me to fulfill a need, I will be ecstatic! Merely because that’s my joy, it’s my passion. So just something I’ve learned I guess.

God is good all the time. He hears us, all the time! Yet we are ever fools to doubt that he hears, to doubt that this walk, this journey, this battle will be worth it. Yes, I do that. I often doubt he hears, but that’s no reason to not talk to him. Someday, I can’t wait to get past that. I know God’ll get me past that eventually, so I just gotta stick it out. If ya’ll are in the same boat as me, stick it out. It’ll be worth it, and our doubts will be stilled as we open ourselves up to God. Yes, this walk, this journey, this battle will be worth it. When we think otherwise, Satan’s got a mangled hand in it. Oh yes, he has is clawed, fragile, gnarled hand invested in our destruction. So he uses doubts, fears, and whatnot to hinder us. Oh yeah, I’m talking spiritual warfare. What? It exists. Every other country in the world is very aware of spiritual warfare, but here in America we dismiss it as false. Guess what! It’s not!!! Here in America we hardly even acknowledge the spiritual anything, let alone warfare. Even us followers of Christ. Well guess what my fellow followers, we are in a war. We are soldiers. The armor of God only covers our frontside. Only the front because other believers have our backs, and especially and most importantly God has our backs. We are fighting with angels against Satan and his whatevers. This one may seem a little out there, but we ignore the spiritual side of life too much. It should be what we acknowledge and consider first. So that’s it for today. God is good, and we are freedom fighters in his army!

By the way, community prayer is amazing. Small group prayer is unbelievable!!! Alright that’s all. Fight on friends, or start fighting.

Even those with enormous faith, fiery passion, have enormous falterings and monumental downfalls

Dear God forgive me. My friends, we live in difficult times yes? Yes, we live in a time where we find it so incredibly easy to find other gods to rule us aside from the only true God. That is my greatest fear, to have a different god that is not God and then to become someone elses god. I desparately fear that. And I suppose that exposes my arrogance, and my complete lack of humility when it comes to my behavior. I’m not going to lie to you all, I think I behave pretty well. I think I treat people pretty well. And maybe that’s true, but my motivation for doing so isn’t always pure, it isn’t always right. So forgive me, there are days when I will help out not for God’s glory, and not even for the person’s benefit. I am an arrogant fool. Trust me on these words. Wow, now I fear myself in some wierd way being my own god. Mmm arrogance and pride my friends. That’s what I am full of, and yes right now I have an especially condemning spirit, condemning of myself so allow me to rant and be melancholy and exasperated and frustrated. How can this be? After all this time, after all of this supposed growing that I’ve done, how can I still return to this spot? This place of whatever this is. Maybe I’ve taken my eyes off of God in all the pointing. Perhaps I’m still legalistic. “Without faith you have nothing at all, but without deeds your faith will fall.” So it’s clear that we’re still supposed to do deesd, but not as a form of payment and not to earn anything, but out of love for the amazing Father. We do deeds out of love for the Father and out of love for others. Right? Well that’s what it’s supposed to be. I think. I don’t understand this, i don’t understand it at all. I try and figure this out, “maybe I’m doubting my own faith” I guess, “maybe I’m doubting that I want to follow,” then the hard hitter “maybe I’m doubting my salvation.” That may very well be it, maybe I’m part of something great in this war we’re in with what I write in this if people read, and Satan’s getting frustrated and attacking to halt whatever it is that I would hope God would be doing through me. Maybe that’s it, am I just being attacked? As he knows my fears and brings them to my mind, the forefront of my mind (haha forefront is redundant, what is that like the front front?). He knows everything I fear, everything I’m afraid of, and yes my friends I am afraid of many things. Not many physical things, I’m afraid of the consequences of what I do, of what I say, of what I write, of opening up, of having grown attatched, although with much of that I know what will happen. So though I know, I fear feeling the effects. And I suppose in my fearing consequences I’m once again showing my immense lack of trust in God. So in that is another failing, and in this bashing and stating of what I doubt and many of my fears I am again failing. I know one woman would say, ” I wish you wouldn’t be so hard on yourself, it insults God because he’s using you.” Or something like that, and she may be true she may be right, but this is where I’m at today. I’m afraid of people lifting me higher than I should be lifted because of what I say, I’m afraid of lifting myself higher than I should because of what I write and say and do and think, I hate admitting to my shortcomings, I hate having that pride that I think I should have some right to not admit to them, I’m not looking forward to the aching that will come from this change in life that will occur in a little over four weeks, I love aching for other people and I hate aching for myself, my own selfishness which is what this is. This is all about me. I know this is selfish, I know this is prideful, I know this is arrogant, and with every word I write, with every word I say I get more and more angry and frustrated.   UGH!! My God my God, when will I stop forsaking thee?!! When will my motivations be pure?!!! When will my focus be unfaltering, and be true?!! When will I fully and completely trust you to take care of me?! When will I grasp the fact that all this is temporary anyway?! When will I no longer give Satan the sly devil a foothold over me?!!! When?! Why am I not doing all this already?!!! What the crap!!! AH! GOD!!!  God will I ever understand this?!! When will I truly be humble?!! When will I not focus on myself?! When will I be able to look up always, and see others?! See others needs?!! When will  I see others needs and work to help them only and constantly for your glory?!!! When when when?! Why Why Why?!! I hate this I do!! Darn tootin’ this faith is not for the faint hearted!!! Dear God, AAAH!!! That’s all I can say!!!! AAAAH!!!! My God my God, I’m crying out, but I won’t be able to hear your answer because I don’t know how to listen to you!!!

Maybe God’s just teaching me humility like I asked him to. I hate to be the one that needs someone to lean on, I love standing on my own two feet. Maybe there’s a lesson in that, I have no doubt there’s something I’ll learn from this be this from Satan or from God, I’ll either learn to fully rely on God or I’ll learn to fully love. Something. Or maybe I’m just being dramatic and  be a girl and being emotional. Gosh this is stupid and frustrating.

My friend, Medomai, I’m sorry, I’m sorry that it’s easier to write all of this than say it. I’m sorry I couldn’t say all of this ever. I’m sorry for being sorry. I’m sorry…. that’s it, I’m sorry.  You poked my eye this time around though.

Masego, I’m sorry. I’m not always the encouragement either of us need.

God, my friends, I’m sorry for my failings, I’m sorry for my letdowns. They crush me, they do, I can feel it. But God, one thing I know through all my doubts for my failings, I do long for you. Oh how you love me. Oh how foolish I am Father, pick me up? I’d love your embrace full on, I’d love to understand the way you speak. There’s really no way to reach me, cause I’m already gone….yeah that’s false. So what happens now? Where am I going to? Who am I running to? I thought I was past this. AAAH!!!

Ecclesiastes 1:18 With much wisdom comes much sorrow; The more knowledge, the more grief.

Psalm 62:5 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.

Psalm 62:8 Trust in Him at all times, O people, pour out your hearts to Him for God is our refuge.

Well God, I poured my heart out, foolish as it is.