AAAAAAAH!! You know what?!! I’m really tired!! SO I was in church today, we had a great guest speaker guy, RV Brown, he’s awesome. He talked the whole time about people not being afraid to be Christians, people not being afraid to be followers of Christ, and it was awesome. He was talking about people stepping up to the plate. Now the first thing we did, he said clap your hands and praise God for thirty seconds after he quoted the verse from Psalm 34 or 134 I forget which. And so we did, but I was disappointed cause all I could do standing there next to my dad was clap. If I was at a youth conference I would have been screaming and clapping and fist pumping and all that jazz. The RV starts preaching very goodly. At the end he does an altar call, and he’s all, “If you’re not 100% sure you’re going to Heaven today come to the altar.” and all that and then he was like, ” If you need to shape up your walk and get walking with God come to the altar,” and all that. Now I’m not gonna lie, I was like you know I should go up there. But once again my butt was glued to my seat. Now I know that going to the altar when called doesn’t mean anything, it’s what’s in your heart but you know what? There has only been one period when I have gotten up because I needed to. I’ll tell you why I’m so frustrated, because it was an altar call at my “home” church here and I couldn’t get up in front of everyone and say hey I’ve got stuff to work on in my walk. It’s not even a verbal declaration it was just a physical one, with no words and I couldn’t get up. And I hate that, It’s not the first time and I hate that more. I know you don’t have to get up everytime there’s an altar call saying dedicate or rededicate your life, but seriously if you’re being told to move you ought to be able to move right? It’s a tiny action, there were no stones about to be cast, there was no firing squad, it was my church “family” sitting with heads bowed and eyes closed. I tell you what, there are few people I envy in life and the ones I do are the one’s that don’t hold back with their faith. I’m tired of being a coward aren’t you? Some people even say that I’m not a coward, but I tell you what, I am. I’m tired of sitting here and typing where I can’t see any other person or their reaction, this literally safe place. This stale place that is my house! Listen, I love these notes because it’s kind of the only thing that even resembles any kind of ministry I’ve got becaues they encourage some and they challenge some I guess. That’s what some people say, but I don’t know how much nor do I think anyone really takes anything lasting, so these things are bittersweet. I love them but also I hate them. I’ve been here what two weeks? The reason I don’t want to be here is partly because I miss everyone over south eastern of us, but also it is SO STALE!! There is little to no God talk in my house, and little people excited about their faith that I know and that’s draining. So today at church it was nice, all the old people cheering, but then there I was thinking to myself,” Wow this is wierd, huh if I was anywhere else I’d be making so much more noise, and hmmm I should go up but I’m embarrassed, but I should also leave room for the people that really need to,” Whatever!! So I was thinking of all these stories I’ve heard this summer. I’ve heard of people living a Christian lie and posing as a Christian, and no lie everyday I wonder if I’m doing that same thing, most of the time I come to the conclusion I’m not. Then I heard a story about this Muslim convert who got beat up by her brother or something, dragged back to her home where she was told to renounce her faith and what not, and she did not. You know what happened then? She was stoned, by her FAMILY!!! But she told her family about what she believed, they clearly didn’t accept it, but she told them. You know something, that kind of stuff leaves a mark on people. So I was thinking of that sitting in my chair, my padded chair, surrounded by people who know Christ as well, and I can’t move to get up to say hey I’ve got stuff to work on but I’m telling ya’ll that I really have made the decision to follow this Savior we’ve got, which I have, I’ve just never gotten up to say that. I have never declared it from my mouth to my family. Seriously, I’m so angry and I hate it, because my friends I am a coward. I can’t even stand up to my family and say hey, this is wrong what you’re doing. They way we’re going about things is wrong.So You know what kind of faith I want? The kind that woman had that let her stand up in front of her friends and family who were about to stone her and say this is what I believe. I want to be able to say “There is a cost, but there is such love.” I want to know, what kind of faith do you have? Where are you at?
Oh my friends my friends!! AAAH!!! Here’s the thing, hear it, read it, soak it up. We need God. Yep, we NEED him, he is a necessity. The greatest necessity on earth. Now remember those of you who read my note “Worthy” I got to talking about walls right. So I’ve got God, and even now I feel like this is the most passionate about Him that I’ve ever been, unfortunately I have a but. BUT I still have a wall, and Lord knows that it’s a huge one. Oh God you are sovereign indeed, and we can earn nothing from you. It all is a gift. Ours to accept, and Lord you know I have indeed accepted it unfortunately I have that ever present and aching BUT.
Aaah, my friends my friends, I’m pleading and begging you, take care of whatever “but” you have that’s blocking you from the fullness of God’s love because embracing his grace in as much as we as human’s can possibly hold, there’s nothing better. My friends, my friends, hear you me, please, and don’t be angry I truly get excited when I hear what God’s doing in your lives, there’s nothing better to fuel passion with than to hear and to remember. Please be merciful to me, show compassion on my heart as I feel I need to clear up something with some of you, and I guess maybe more than just a few. I don’t know. My friends, as passionate as I may be, I am indeed a sinner. I am still a liar. What causes us to lie? Fear. What have we to fear? nothing really, nothing but God, but we not only fear Him, we get to love Him as He loves us. So, I have been convicted. My friends I have something that has been keeping me from fully reveling. Maybe it’s not bad to not be completely breath taken at the same time as others, I mean it’s not bad, nor is it bad to agree that it’s awesome even if you’re not exactly awed right at that moment. I guess that kind of awe just comes as your relationship with God grows. So never mind, but I hope to consistently have that awe and not have to force it. Also it is my constant prayer to do things for God’s glory and only for God’s glory, at least in worship. We should only do what we do in worship if it’s God telling us to do it. Not to have people look at us and go, oh wow, what amazing faith that person has, how in tune with the spirit…or whatever. We must not do it for our glory, especially during worship. O God forgive me. My friends, I think I am convicted, and while being convicted terror comes in at what I think I have to do. Don’t know why, it’s mostly just giving more accurate details to a story already told. Maybe. Oh God give me words, and warm the hearts of the people I need to talk to. Oh God, give me strength and peace. Oh God my God forgive my walls that are oh so thick, break them down. Break me, and let me be broken with no walls. Unhindered, and brokenly honest. With ALL my trust, and ALL my hope, and EVERY bit of focus on you Father. If I need to do this, help me. I need you, I know I do, and I know you’re there, here, and I know you hear. So hear and read my prayer Father, cause it has been said and written. Guide me God. Clean this old house. Help me breath in and let everything out. Make me an open book.
God alone is worthy. He is worthy all the time. He is worthy of praise, of worship, of prayer, of adoration, of our attention, of seeking, of wonder, of awe, he alone is worthy of our gaze! And we should indeed praise him. We should praise him in our, suffering and in our peace, in our pain and in our joy. Numbness is the worst place to be, but broken is the best. It is best to be broken because broken is when we most oftenly rely on Him. So we’ve all got our walls right? Right. Well we’ve all got a lot of them. Now I don’t think that to be broken so that we rely on Him requires us to be aching all the time, but we will indeed and do indeed ache in this life don’t we, I think that broken requires the breaking down of the walls we’ve built. Once those walls are broken, then we too are broken, but in a completely beautiful way. Walls not only keep people, and attempt to keep God out, but they keep us in. When our walls are broken down, then we are indeed free. And in that freedom we are broken, we are broken because with that freedom we are not relying on ourselves for self-preservation. But we are relying on God to be our shelter, after all Psalm 62:1-2 “My soul finds rest in God alone, my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.” My soul finds rest in God alone. In Him alone, in Him ALONE. Listen, we can look for rest in every direction we want. We can look for rest in our friends, in significant others, in parents, sisters, brothers, family, but we will not find it looking in those directions. Now they may point to where you’ll find rest, but there is no rest aside from that which is found in God. In His arms, in His embrace, with my head on His shoulder. Now my friends let me tell you, I have learned to appreciate hugs and cuddling and all that jazz, but seriously I can’t wait to be physically embraced by my loving Heavenly Father. Oh what a day that will be, a better shoulder there will never be, a more fitting place there will never be. Anyway, back to the broken thing. Being broken in the way that walls are broken down is beautiful. Not only do you feel pain, you can feel other’s pain. BUT when wall are torn down you also feel joy, you feel complete joy! Total joy!! AND you can truly share in another’s joy!! Romans 12:15 “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” When we have our walls, they block everything, they promote numbness. We can neither rejoice, nor can we mourn. They may keep us from feeling pain, but they also keep out joy and then they block out love. And God knows that we need to feel love in this life, He knows that, that’s why He made us the way He did. But the love that’s going to make a difference more than anything else is God’s love, and when we build our walls they kind of block His love from sinking in. God in His love begins the breaking down of walls project, but we always fight Him. So the tearing down of our walls hurts a lot, it aches, and it is generally unpleasant. But my friends it is worth it and it is necessary. When he finally breaks down our walls we remain broken, but we are in one piece. In the brokenness of God it doesn’t mean that we are shattered and aching, we are healed and in one piece but we can feel. We can feel so much more of everything and it is truly a blessing to be. To truly feel another’s pain, to truly share in another’s joy, to face your own pain, oh yeah walls block things from you too, and to truly revel in your joy.
My friends, revel in God. Marvel at his amazingness! His love is sooo deep, it is sooo much more than we can stand and yet He lavishes us with it, and in turn we are to love Him and we are to love others with it. Oh how He loves us! I want to melt in Him.
Ya’ll want a passion for God? Remember what He’s done for you. Talk about Him. Talk about Him with fellow believers and rejoice in what He’s done! Truly rejoice!! Take joy in his deliverance and praise Him in your storms! I hope and pray that ya’ll do want a passion for him.
Wow. God is good. So I’m listening to this song by Misty Edwards, it’s called Simple Devotion. It is powerful. I have two favorite parts…actually, all of it is amazing. But one part that I really love is:
And then I hear you say as you gaze over the balcony of Heaven
I hear you say as you peer through the lattice of time
I hear you say as you stand in Heaven
I hear you say as you rejoice over me,
O angels o angels look and see!
Through that dark night of faith she is gazing at me!
O angels O angels look and see!!
Through that cloud of unknowing she’s gazing at me!
You have ravished my heart,
My sister, my bride with one
glance of your eye
over and over and over and over again!
I just love that. Guys we live in hard times. For the most part we’ll be parting ways soon, and I’m not gonna lie it’s eating me up. You know and then there’s everything else that we struggle with. Some with relationships that have been broken, and they have left bruises, they have cut deeply, and whether it’s from tears or the metaphorical black eyes that come from such a beating of a heart, eyes become swollen so it’s hard to see. I tell you though, it’s whether we still try to look that makes a difference. We feel overwhelmed? Ok it’s where we go for relief that makes a difference, who we look to. And jeez, I’m just like, wow. That last part of the song is how I want God to be all the time over me. As we walk through our different storms, I want God to sing and exclaim to the angels his joy that I’m gazing at him through it all. Through the rain, and the tears, and everything. But then also it’s just another glimpse at our great Father, this all powerful Creator, and Healer’s love for us. That he would rejoice so much that we are gazing at him? It blows my mind!!! Seriously!!! I mean here we are, sinners, unclean, so completely unworthy, yet when we decide to love him and gaze at him he rejoices!! He more than rejoices!! HE DECLARES!!! He says to the angels, ” Hey! Look at this!!! My beloved is gazing at me!! She’s going through all this stuff, and it makes her ache, and I ache for her and with her, but she’s gazing at me!!! I love being loved!! I will lavish my love upon her! She will be overwhelmed by my love!! OH!! Everyone!! She’s gazing at me!! And it’s taking my breath away!!” And he rejoices!! My friends, my fellow warriors what else could you want? Aside from this great and glorious God rejoicing merely from your gaze!! That’s amazing!!! Guys, as in the few males who read these, he rejoices over you in the same way! And it’s not like a wierd gay thing because well God’s not gay. He is a Father and a Creator reveling in the fact that his children, his creation, love him back!! How cool is that!! You know how we revel in God’s love? We are in awe of him? Well, He revels in our love for Him! Isn’t that awesome!!!!! First he washes our stains away!! COMPLETELY GONE!!! Our sins are erased!! They are no more!! And yeah, sometimes that’s hard to fathom, sometimes that’s hard to grasp because Satan, our accuser gets in there and is like “Look, this is what you’ve done, it’s not enough, you can’t be clean.” But God tells us otherwise. He says, ” It is more than enough, you are loved, and I will NOT forget you!! But I have forgotten your sins. Draw near to me, and I will draw near to you! O angels! Do you see? Take a look at my beloved children. They heard me, they love me! See they gaze at me! I lavish them in love!”
Oh how He loves us so! Awesome, awesome, awesome! I want to gaze at Him and be rejoiced over. I want to be one of the one’s that God points to and says, ” Look angels, she’s gazing at me! Through her doubts and fears, she’s gazing at me! I will never grow tired of her, of her gaze, of her presence!”
So my last post wasn’t the most…uplifting, but oh indeed it was heartfelt. I think I heard an answer. Maybe my doubts in exactly what to call it would just be because I too am not used to giving credit where credit is due, and giving it earnestly and sincerely. It is a blessing to be a blessing, and it is a blessing to be an instrument in God’s powerful and all-extending hands. Never will there be anything in life that will be as fulfilling as serving, and serving God. Anyway, why I think I heard an answer, what I asked was basically when will I earnestly serve the people I love? For God’s glory, then for their benefit, and not ever my own fulfillment. Well, you learn by serving, you learn where your heart is at by being there. Now this is to friends new and old, I hope there never is a time when I serve for my own fulfillment and soley for that. I tell you this because as I see your pain, it makes me ache, I want to take it away from ya’ll, take it off your shoulders, but I have learned that I cannot do that. All I can do is be there when you need me to be. I can lend an ear, I can give a shoulder, an embrace, a smile, a joke, I can fall over a chair (and no that wasn’t on purpose), but that’s all I can do. Aside from that, which I should have learned and known years ago, I can pray with you. That’s the most powerful weapon we’ve got, and that’s the best thing I can give.
Psalm 62:8 Trust in him at all times, O people, pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
Pouring our hearts out to him in prayer is the most powerful thing we can do. In anything.
Now I’m not going to lie, afterwards, knowing that God used me to fulfill a need, I will be ecstatic! Merely because that’s my joy, it’s my passion. So just something I’ve learned I guess.
God is good all the time. He hears us, all the time! Yet we are ever fools to doubt that he hears, to doubt that this walk, this journey, this battle will be worth it. Yes, I do that. I often doubt he hears, but that’s no reason to not talk to him. Someday, I can’t wait to get past that. I know God’ll get me past that eventually, so I just gotta stick it out. If ya’ll are in the same boat as me, stick it out. It’ll be worth it, and our doubts will be stilled as we open ourselves up to God. Yes, this walk, this journey, this battle will be worth it. When we think otherwise, Satan’s got a mangled hand in it. Oh yes, he has is clawed, fragile, gnarled hand invested in our destruction. So he uses doubts, fears, and whatnot to hinder us. Oh yeah, I’m talking spiritual warfare. What? It exists. Every other country in the world is very aware of spiritual warfare, but here in America we dismiss it as false. Guess what! It’s not!!! Here in America we hardly even acknowledge the spiritual anything, let alone warfare. Even us followers of Christ. Well guess what my fellow followers, we are in a war. We are soldiers. The armor of God only covers our frontside. Only the front because other believers have our backs, and especially and most importantly God has our backs. We are fighting with angels against Satan and his whatevers. This one may seem a little out there, but we ignore the spiritual side of life too much. It should be what we acknowledge and consider first. So that’s it for today. God is good, and we are freedom fighters in his army!
By the way, community prayer is amazing. Small group prayer is unbelievable!!! Alright that’s all. Fight on friends, or start fighting.
Dear God forgive me. My friends, we live in difficult times yes? Yes, we live in a time where we find it so incredibly easy to find other gods to rule us aside from the only true God. That is my greatest fear, to have a different god that is not God and then to become someone elses god. I desparately fear that. And I suppose that exposes my arrogance, and my complete lack of humility when it comes to my behavior. I’m not going to lie to you all, I think I behave pretty well. I think I treat people pretty well. And maybe that’s true, but my motivation for doing so isn’t always pure, it isn’t always right. So forgive me, there are days when I will help out not for God’s glory, and not even for the person’s benefit. I am an arrogant fool. Trust me on these words. Wow, now I fear myself in some wierd way being my own god. Mmm arrogance and pride my friends. That’s what I am full of, and yes right now I have an especially condemning spirit, condemning of myself so allow me to rant and be melancholy and exasperated and frustrated. How can this be? After all this time, after all of this supposed growing that I’ve done, how can I still return to this spot? This place of whatever this is. Maybe I’ve taken my eyes off of God in all the pointing. Perhaps I’m still legalistic. “Without faith you have nothing at all, but without deeds your faith will fall.” So it’s clear that we’re still supposed to do deesd, but not as a form of payment and not to earn anything, but out of love for the amazing Father. We do deeds out of love for the Father and out of love for others. Right? Well that’s what it’s supposed to be. I think. I don’t understand this, i don’t understand it at all. I try and figure this out, “maybe I’m doubting my own faith” I guess, “maybe I’m doubting that I want to follow,” then the hard hitter “maybe I’m doubting my salvation.” That may very well be it, maybe I’m part of something great in this war we’re in with what I write in this if people read, and Satan’s getting frustrated and attacking to halt whatever it is that I would hope God would be doing through me. Maybe that’s it, am I just being attacked? As he knows my fears and brings them to my mind, the forefront of my mind (haha forefront is redundant, what is that like the front front?). He knows everything I fear, everything I’m afraid of, and yes my friends I am afraid of many things. Not many physical things, I’m afraid of the consequences of what I do, of what I say, of what I write, of opening up, of having grown attatched, although with much of that I know what will happen. So though I know, I fear feeling the effects. And I suppose in my fearing consequences I’m once again showing my immense lack of trust in God. So in that is another failing, and in this bashing and stating of what I doubt and many of my fears I am again failing. I know one woman would say, ” I wish you wouldn’t be so hard on yourself, it insults God because he’s using you.” Or something like that, and she may be true she may be right, but this is where I’m at today. I’m afraid of people lifting me higher than I should be lifted because of what I say, I’m afraid of lifting myself higher than I should because of what I write and say and do and think, I hate admitting to my shortcomings, I hate having that pride that I think I should have some right to not admit to them, I’m not looking forward to the aching that will come from this change in life that will occur in a little over four weeks, I love aching for other people and I hate aching for myself, my own selfishness which is what this is. This is all about me. I know this is selfish, I know this is prideful, I know this is arrogant, and with every word I write, with every word I say I get more and more angry and frustrated. UGH!! My God my God, when will I stop forsaking thee?!! When will my motivations be pure?!!! When will my focus be unfaltering, and be true?!! When will I fully and completely trust you to take care of me?! When will I grasp the fact that all this is temporary anyway?! When will I no longer give Satan the sly devil a foothold over me?!!! When?! Why am I not doing all this already?!!! What the crap!!! AH! GOD!!! God will I ever understand this?!! When will I truly be humble?!! When will I not focus on myself?! When will I be able to look up always, and see others?! See others needs?!! When will I see others needs and work to help them only and constantly for your glory?!!! When when when?! Why Why Why?!! I hate this I do!! Darn tootin’ this faith is not for the faint hearted!!! Dear God, AAAH!!! That’s all I can say!!!! AAAAH!!!! My God my God, I’m crying out, but I won’t be able to hear your answer because I don’t know how to listen to you!!!
Maybe God’s just teaching me humility like I asked him to. I hate to be the one that needs someone to lean on, I love standing on my own two feet. Maybe there’s a lesson in that, I have no doubt there’s something I’ll learn from this be this from Satan or from God, I’ll either learn to fully rely on God or I’ll learn to fully love. Something. Or maybe I’m just being dramatic and be a girl and being emotional. Gosh this is stupid and frustrating.
My friend, Medomai, I’m sorry, I’m sorry that it’s easier to write all of this than say it. I’m sorry I couldn’t say all of this ever. I’m sorry for being sorry. I’m sorry…. that’s it, I’m sorry. You poked my eye this time around though.
Masego, I’m sorry. I’m not always the encouragement either of us need.
God, my friends, I’m sorry for my failings, I’m sorry for my letdowns. They crush me, they do, I can feel it. But God, one thing I know through all my doubts for my failings, I do long for you. Oh how you love me. Oh how foolish I am Father, pick me up? I’d love your embrace full on, I’d love to understand the way you speak. There’s really no way to reach me, cause I’m already gone….yeah that’s false. So what happens now? Where am I going to? Who am I running to? I thought I was past this. AAAH!!!
Ecclesiastes 1:18 With much wisdom comes much sorrow; The more knowledge, the more grief.
Psalm 62:5 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.
Psalm 62:8 Trust in Him at all times, O people, pour out your hearts to Him for God is our refuge.
Well God, I poured my heart out, foolish as it is.
Just a clarification ya’ll. I have to let you know, all this stuff that I write are things that I struggle with. But I’m learning that they are necessary. With these I am as much urging myself as I am urging you, maybe even more so. With “God hears” it says that we should have confidence in the fact that God hears us. My friends, I’m telling you, I struggle with that SOOOOO stanking much. It’s ridiculous to me. There are times in life when I’m just like “YEAH!!! Woot!!! I know God’s hearing!” And then the next day I can be like, ” Oh man, I feel like I’m talking to space, to this wall.” So my friends with God Hears I’m trying to remind myself that he does indeed hear, cause that’s what I struggle with. That’s why I love God’s name Jehovah-Shammah so much!! The Lord is There!!! That name in itself is a reminder that he is indeed there! It’s God! Sometimes I forget or I get distracted or my head gets turned by all the little tiny gods that we can have in life. How many tiny gods can we have do you ask? Well, as many as there are things that take are focus off of God. And I’ll tell you, that’s hard. It is hard to stay focused, it’s hard to fully rely on what you can’t see which, as I said before is why we have to talk about what he has done for us. We have to understand that he DOES do things for us. We need to be humble enough to know that good things happen because of him. The class that got canceled today, he canceled because you had something you needed to do and you were feeling overwhelmed and like you couldn’t do it. He provided. Or you know? Things like that. God works in all things to provide for our needs, and yes I’m still reminding myself of this truth. It is incredibly difficult to wrap my mind around that. Do you want to know my biggest struggle? Yes, it would be this very thing. Giving God glory where he deserves it, which is in everything. It’s giving God credit in all things where it is due him. And to earnestly and whole-heartedly believe it. My friends as you know, it is a battle to not fall into the mindset, or be deist or whatever, and think that God’s all powerful but not involved. He is all powerful and He is indeed involved. He has His hand in everything, and everything He has for a reason. Whether it’s the fact that you go and sit at a desk every night and you think all you’re doing is paperwork, but really without even knowing it you’re keeping someone from going and digging their hole deeper. Whether it’s a smile brightening up someone’s day even if you don’t feel like smiling. Whether it’s just sitting down with someone who’s by themselves or something like that. We DON’T KNOW HOW GOD IS USING US!!! But we must remember to give God the glory when we find out He is. We need to give Him glory even if we don’t find out how He’s using us. I need to remember that I serve a God who’s love is shown through me, and others, and a God who is all powerful and HE Is the one who does the healing and HE is the one who gives people joy! God forgive my arrogance! To think that I in my weak humanity can change anything. It is God’s power that makes things happen, all things, it is His love that we need to project and share for our human love is insufficient. Our power is insufficient. Only God’s love is sufficient, only God’s power is sufficient, and all for His glory! All all all!!! That includes being to class on time! Oh yes, and right there I was talking to myself. Oh now, what’d you say? nothing. What? oh. haha anywho. It includes respecting teachers and not smack talking the time they put into classes, and not smack talking them, themselves. Again talking to me. Sure go ahead and be worried, I might have split personalities. And so many other ways! And I promise you, I am failing in so many ways. So please do not think of me as some great example of a follower of Christ, for I am not. Whether or not you do, this is also a reminder to myself to not think I’m some great follower of Christ. It’s to keep me off my high horse. To know, and to grasp and accept that I am bountiful in faults and must not look down on anyone nor exalt myself. There are MANY others far greater than I, and of them Christ himself is the greatest example.
My God! my God forgive my arrogance to ever peg things on chance and thus second guessing your power and your involvement. Forgive me for ever taking credit and thus second guessing your power, your involvement, and raising myself up. Father I’m loved, I know by you, and I know I’m forgiven and I know I long for you. Of that I am sure, one hundred percent and always is that I long for you. However, I still fall and I still fail. Father thank you for your loyalty when I am far from loyal, when I wander you are reaching and waiting and calling. Teach me humility please, please please, oh please.
dudes, He is awesome, and deserves the credit for everything that’s good and He deserves our focus all the time. He deserves our loyalty, but He is understanding and forgiving for the days the times when we don’t always focus. He understands our humanity far better than we do.
Alright so yesterday I got to talk to someone who has become a very dear friend of mine, and her heart for God is amazing. God is amazing!!! We were talking and we got talking about names of God. She asked me which one’s were my favorite and I said, ” Jehovah-Rapha, Jehovah -Shammah, and El Roi.” Now know that I have no idea where any of these names are in the Bible, but she knew where El Roi was. So she just told me that God introduces himself as El Roi to Hagar way back with the whole Abram being on Sarai’s bad side and sending her out in the desert after she was pregnant. So this morning I read that chapter in Genesis, and while it didn’t say El Roi in the text it said it in the sub text or whatever it is at the bottom of the pages. And then I read where God was all “I have heard you….and you shall call him Ishmael…” then I looked down to the little notes at the bottom to see what Ishmael means. For those who don’t know and for those who do I’ll tell you. It means “God hears”. Let me type that again “GOD HEARS!!!” Did you read that? Read it again, let it sink in. Alright, all of us who doubt that God hears our prayers, that right there tells us otherwise. It said, “God hears”. Not God who sometimes hears, not God who picks and chooses who He hears, but God hears. Now God always hears and He always answers, and He answers as He should, in the way that will most benefit us in the long run, not always in the way we’d like. But in the way that’s best for us. So my friends let me encourage you. God hears. He hears you, He IS listening to you, listening and hearing far better than any human could ever hope to even hear .000000001% as well as, and He is being moved emotionally by you. That’s pretty huge, God feels for us, that’s amazing. I mean he’s pretty much the biggest thing ever and He feels for us, He loves us. And you know what, He delights in us!! He delights in hearing us, He delights in providing for us, He delights in our faith in Him, and He delights in us opening up our lives and hearts to Him. He would see and know everything that’s going on anyway, but that’s cause He’s God. It’s like one of us knowing what’s going on because we’re observant (God’s not just observant, He’s all knowing), but knowing from observation (or in God’s case, from knowing) is not the same as being told. It’s a whole different level of intimacy when someone trust another being with the happenings of their lives, and God longs for that relationship with us. He wants us to tell Him everything!! Because He delights in hearing!!! Sometimes what He hears makes Him ache because it makes us ache, but He delights in the fact that we brought it to Him. So as we’re mourning, tell Him, He will mourn with us and be delighted at the same time because we trusted Him. As we’re celebrating, TELL HIM!!! He will celebrate as well!! AND WILL BE DELIGHTED THAT WE TRUSTED HIM!!!! In everything, we must think of Him and lean on Him, and seek to please Him. Alright, see here’s the thing, humility is knowing where you stand and not thinking more of yourself than what you are or something like that. Well, God’s pretty much the best right? Nothing tops Him right? So He loves people relying on Him because He knows that no one will ever be able to provide like He always will. So my friends, in everything lean on Him, ask of Him. Have faith that He hears your prayers. He really hears what you say!! Oh I know. It’s hard. It’s hard talking to someone you can’t see. It’s hard believing that He’s in control of everything. It’s hard believing that while you ache, while you’re weeping, that He is there, that He cares. But let me tell you, there is no one that can or will ever care as much as He does. There is no one that will ever hear and understand as much as He does. Believe me I know it’s hard to trust Him in everything, but my friends that’s why we need to talk about what He does, and what He has done. That is where our encouragement comes from in this faith, in this life, in this walk. Praise Him, when it’s hard, praise Him when it’s easy. Always give Him glory. In all things praise Him. In all things put Him first. These are all things I struggle with and fail at so often, but it’s what we all need to do. It’s got to be God first all the time, always.
El Roi. He is amazing, that’s one of God’s names. It’s one of my favorites, and let me tell you why. It means “The God Who Sees Me.” I love that. It is great to know that there is this amazing all powerful being that sees everything. Sees the pain, sees the good, the bad, the pitiful, the ugly, sees the joy, sees both the obvious and that which no one else sees. He sees the tears of all kinds, the laughter of every kind, the genuiness of every heart. I love Him, and oh how God loves us.
Jehovah-Shammah is another one of my favorites of God’s names. It means “The Lord is There” or the one I like better “The Lord My Companion.” I love it, He’s not just here, He’s our companion. He will not hurt us, he makes all things work out for good. He is loyal beyond measure.
Jehovah-Rapha means The Lord Who Heals. God is the only one who can truly heal us in any way that we are in need of healing. His healing lasts.
Jehovah-Shalom means The Lord is Peace. Only in God do we find peace.
Jehovah-Sabaoth Means The Lord of Hosts, or The Lord of Armies. He is all powerful.
El Olam The Eternal God, The Everlasting God. He is forever, and his love for us will last for our lifetimes.
This week has been one of the most jam packed, exciting, emotionally diverse, and blessed weeks of my life I’ve decided. Let me tell you how it started. A week ago, at least in a few hours it will be a week ago, I came back to this state of Indiana blessed to be welcomed by an extremely good friend who is a blessing to every life she touches.
If you know the Natasha Bedingfield song that says “Anyone who can touch you , can hurt you or heal you.” Well, she’s one who would heal you.
Anyway, so I’m greeted by her smiling face after a fairly long day of traveling, and we drive off to her house to rest and then journey back to school the next day. Arriving at her house, her entire family is still awake, as is her sister who is equally a blessing. Now their parents go to bed, but we stay up and have some chai. Some amazing chai!! I LOVE CHAI!! We stay up, drink chai, and talk. My friends, that was my favorite talk that I have had all year. We talked about the greatest subject there is, God. What he’s done for us, our own frustrations, what we would like to see people doing for him. (Alright so I decided we will call this friend Masego, Tswana for blessings, and her sister Agape, which is Greek for love, and I have rarely seen anyone as loving or as much of a blessing as these two amazing ladies.) Alright, so we get to talking, and Masego and I are talking about how dry we feel on campus here and how frustrated we are. And simply hearing that there was another person with the same thoughts as me was a blessing. We kept talking, and I wish beyond words that I remembered that conversation more becaues it was amazing. I do remember we began talking about spiritual warfare. Masego and I were saying how we both found it difficult to remember that there’s more to life than just these physical trials and that these trials are just part of this larger battle that we are all a part of. Agape shared many stories of her frustrations, and shared stories of hope. How she has worked to satisfy the thirst she has to server our perfect and holy Lord. Now these two ladies surprised me when they both said they had difficulty at times putting people first. It surprised me because I tell you the truth more loving, accepting, patient, faithful, and God-focused people I have yet to meet. It was encouraging to hear the struggles of Masego and Agape because I had been struggling with the very same things, and I guess me being the typical self-centered human being assumed I was the only one struggling with tolerance, patience, compassion, and genuine love for all. I unfortunately have indeed failed at such things. It is easy to love those who are pleasant to be around, to those I enjoy spending time with, but they are not the only people with need. I think I’m finding my passion for the lost to dwindle and filter off a little bit, so that will be my new prayer, as well as for God to give me a love for the same people Masego said she was praying for it for. The unloved, the unloving, the unloveable, and the unlovely. I will pray for God to give me genuine love, compassion, patience and caring for them as well as those I already love. I wish I could tell you all more about that night, moreso I wish you all could have experienced it. Between Masego, Agape, and I just talking about our frustrations, God’s goodness, his faithfulness, and having fellowship. It was only three of us, but I tell you, God was there. God was more obviously present with just the three of us talking than this entire year at school. Let me point out, he is consistently present, but our perception of his presence is often clouded. One of Masego’s and my frustrations, the major one with this school was the lack of remembering and praising God for what he’s done on our campus. We decided that we would go and make people uncomfortable and ask what God has done, and has been doing in their lives because hearing what he’s done is an encouragement. So that was the beginning. Praise God, it ignited a fire.
The next couple days I don’t really remember. They were fun, typical days. I was elated, but as far as the events of those days go, they were not out of the ordinary. I did have one conversation with a friend here at the dorm about the blessing of friends, and how the faithfulness of a friend is so encouraging. We don’t expect friends to stick around at times, but God has blessed each of us with a friend somewhere who will be unconditional and patient and loving. Quite literally the best human friend we will ever have. They are a blessing, a gift from God that is almost beyond description.
Now we come to the weekend. Taylor University Fort Wayne is closing the undergraduate program, so all of us need to find new schools. Many are transitioning to Taylor Upland, but not all or us are. And this is where the title is accurate.
A new chapter.
Friday night, THE last TUFW banquet. Good food, good fellowship, good friends, good community, good movies, good advice from the graduating seniors, and the start of another round of a whirlwind of emotions for everyone. They shared the memories that they all experienced, and we who didn’t experience them could still laugh. This evening, that Friday evening, was bittersweet. We had a wonderful time, but it reminded us that our time together here for the remainder of this year is incredibly short. Five weeks, and even less for some. I tell you it’s heartbreaking. I realized again, and to a new degree how much so many of these people mean to me and yet I will not be continuing with them on to the next chapter as an active main character. I will be blessed and over joyed if I could, but it seems come May 23rd my story will continue as will everyone else’s, and as December 9th-ish did for another friend whom I dearly miss did. No longer are we guarunteed a main role in each other’s lives, and that makes me ache. I realized how much this weekend as another beloved friend of mine is coping with immense pain that she is feeling and that I wish I could take away. Her hurt makes me ache because she is still so passionate for other people. Masego’s frustration makes me ache. The way I have let so many down in these last pages of this chapter, makes me ache. The pain of all these people makes me ache. I will refer to my hurting friend as Medomai which is greek for to think, to be mindful of. And she is ever mindful. She’s always got time for other people, and first and foremost she’s always striving to please God and to serve him. I truly cherish her friendship and will be blessed to remain friends for however long our time is. Medomai was also a highlight though. Seeing another who is still passionate is a blessing and encouraging. Plus, she gave an opportunity to serve. Now I will refer to everyone on this campus that I cherish as Tirzah, which is favorable. I know our stories will not always be intertwined, Tirzah and I. This fact never ceases to make me ache, and a new chapter will be written. It is encouraging though to know that many of us will meet again in Heaven, but I never cease hoping that here on Earth I can continue friendships especially with Medomai, Masego, and Agape and so many others that are included in Tirzah. I praise God for the time he’s given us all here together, and now I hope and pray that Masego, Medomai, myself, and anyone else that wants to can reignite an unquenchable fire for God in these last weeks that we can all take into whatever part of the world our stories take us. We are to be a fire, we are to be fuego, we are to be a raging fire. So let us be.
Masego, Medomai, Agape, and so many in Tirzah, if you’ve all figured out who you are, I do hope with a passion that we can remain intertwined as friends and encouragers and there I must stop for I feel myself starting to fret about the future once again. I will mourn all the temporary losses. I love you all more than you know, and will be overjoyed if we remain close, but even if we do not in this life I praise God and celebrate that many of our stories will end the same despite our different chapters. We will end in Heaven. God is good. All for his glory! Masego, Medomai, Tirzah, let us g out on fire for him!! This too is my prayer.
